A strange feeling (of fear, loneliness) caused by unfamiliar surroundings.
The past few months I’ve penned my thoughts and feelings in my journal every week. Every day I’m terrified someone will find it, read what I wrote, and simply laugh. It’s a place for me to write how I’m really feeling, so I can look back on it and see my improvement, or more often see how stupid I was to have thought something was what it wasn’t. It’s a part of me I don’t want people to see, because I have embedded into my mind the idea that all I say or think is simply irrelevant and doesn’t matter, and that no one is going to care.
I’ve been blessed with many friends and siblings who not only hear what I have to say, but actually listen. Those are two very different things. They offer counsel, they tell me jokes to make me laugh, and they’re just there. But I’m not always able to talk to them and they’re not always able to listen, so when I’m in those moments of not being able to communicate and yet I have to get thoughts out of my head, I write. Even if it’s stupid, or doesn’t make sense, it’s a way for me to get my fears out of my head and to be able to simply breathe again. I’ve become my own best friend and lean on my own shoulder. I once wrote that I may regret my choice of words or sentence structure, but never in my life do I ever want to regret expressing how I felt. If I did, it would only make myself want to hide more and to bottle up my feelings, afraid of embarrassment or backlash.
I’ve been in many situations that I had never been and never wished I was. I wish I didn’t have to be told my mom died. I wish I didn’t have to see my sister in her bed, comprehending that she wasn’t going to wake up, no matter how much we asked her to. I wish I was strong enough to look my best friend in the eye when I told her I would be moving in two weeks, but I instead looked at the floor. I am constantly watching what I say, afraid of saying something wrong or receiving harsh judgement. That people simply won’t understand. I don’t want this blog to be one of those places. As of now, it is unfamiliar to me, seeing as how I haven’t shared much of my writing before, but I don’t want to be afraid or feel like I’m alone, and I don’t want you to feel alone either.
On the five year anniversary of my mother’s death, my brother and I sat on the steps of our church’s porch. We cried and hugged for a long while, but eventually the tears ran dry and I told him, “I really hate it when people say they understand what we’ve gone through. I don’t want them to understand, I don’t want them to feel this pain and loss. I really, really hate it.” My brother replied by saying, “I understand. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.” He said he understood. He knew how I felt. We dealt with the loss differently, but our feelings were in line with each other’s. We both knew and lost the same mother, we understood each other. Some of the experiences I’ll write about here may be similar to things you’ve gone through, and all I want is for you to not feel alone, no matter how painful it is to know that there are others experiencing that same pain. You can cry for a while, but what’s the point if we do nothing to become better because of it? Although I’m simply typing this into a computer, I hope you’re still able to hear me and can get to know me, even if you’re like me and are scared of being in an unfamiliar place.
Hello, my name is Maili, pronounced like Molly but I doubt you’d remember that. I’m a Reformed Christian living in Indiana and am here to hopefully help you. I’ll write about how much I love music, how I believe the lives of the unborn should be protected. I might make a theological argument every now and then. I’ll write about the worst days of my life: my mother’s and sister’s death, everything leading up to them and how I chose to deal with it once they were gone. I’ll write about where I am now and how I got here and God’s mercy towards me through it all. I want to help you if you’re in a similar situation, which might be ambitious of me, but I also am doing it to help myself. I’ve always wanted to share my story with people by doing what I love: writing. And this now gives me the opportunity to do exactly that. It gives me the option to grow in who I am as a person, and in my writing and how I wish to express how I feel. I don’t want to solely base right and wrong based on feeling, but on the Word of God. I’ve always signed my journal with “Psalm 19:14” which says, “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in Your sight.” I hope that this is the case for everything I write, and that it would bring glory to God, and not myself.