Feb 6, 2019

Grow

"Like wildflowers, you must grow in places people never thought you would." - E.V

It’s become a tradition that when the new year comes around most people decide to use that opportunity to reflect on the previous year, recognizing their faults, realizing how far they’ve come since the year prior, as well as reminiscing on all that’s occurred in the last 365 days. Of course, this is nothing new as we go through this routine every year and have already either given up on their new resolutions already or never made any to start with. However, I’m a huge anniversary person and have realized that mid-February will mark when I made my first post to this blog. So, since it’s technically still the new year season, and even more so a year since all of this started, I’d like to reflect now on what I’ve written since the beginning and perhaps reevaluate things I said and whether or not I still agree with them as I am constantly growing in my beliefs and the way in which I express them. Of course I won’t review every post because that would be as boring to write as it would be to read but I’ll look over a few of my favorite and least favorite posts. But I hope that this upcoming year on this platform will be an opportunity for growth, and I think writing on the previous year now will be a good start.

In my introduction post, I wrote about my values and purpose here. I talked about how I was scared and intimidated to be opening up on this platform, becoming more vulnerable in my feelings than I’d ever been before. I’ve now come across the first thing I disagree with: I said how I want this to help me and that it’s okay if everything isn’t beneficial to my readers. Although I know that not everything can be beneficial for everyone, I think I set my priority in the wrong place. If I wanted my writing to mainly help me, I could’ve just written it all in my journal and never shared it. What I think I was wanting to say (or at least what I want to now) is that what I am saying mostly relates to my life and the experiences I’ve had and therefore helps me in every instance, and therefore may not benefit you in every post as I’m sure you and I live very different lives and have different past experiences, therefore not allowing you to relate and benefit from every topic I write about, and that’s okay. I want my priority here to be helping others and not just myself because I just feel selfish if/when I essentially say it’s all about me. I hope that finding the right balance will come more easily with a better fixed priority, but I will do my best.

In another post, titled “What If?” I talked about how I never feel as strong as people make me out to be. At the time, I wasn’t confident in the ways I’ve grown and the things I’ve overcome. I doubted myself which resulted in me having to deal with other difficulties I wouldn’t have had to if I had just realized that I’m not going to lose here. I became stronger as I fought the lies that I wasn’t strong enough or even strong at all. I was right towards the end, however, in saying that any strength I do have is all from God and for God, but I think by limiting myself in how strong I really was/am, I discredited how far He has brought me and how far He will continue to bring me. I’m proud that I was open and vulnerable about my feelings, but I’m even prouder that I’ve now become much more aware of what my strengths and weaknesses truly are , although I still have a long way to go. I will continue to grow stronger and push myself beyond whatever I limit myself to, and I hope you’re able to do the same.

In one of my personal favorite posts titled, “The Good Old Days,” I wrote the following:

We live in the past, ignore the present, and worry about the future. Perhaps we’d be less scared of the future if we simply lived in the present, instead of recalling how things used to be and how it all went wrong.

I still agree with the majority of what I said there and in the rest of the post, but I think I failed to acknowledge how there are still good things now and that the good things don’t just stay in the past. I want to stress more now that good things come and go, but one way or another there will always be something good in every moment of your life. This new year, I’ve made it a habit to write down at least one good thing that happened during the day and put it in a jar. Although I’m excited to read through them at the end of the year, I already have an immediate benefit from it every day; I don’t have to focus so much on the bad because if I can find at least one good thing, even during my awful days, then it’s okay and it’s worth it. There’s always something good, and some days it’s difficult to see it. So doing this little routine helps to get me in the habit of looking towards the positive things. Some days I only write things down like, “I laughed today,” or “I had a really nice conversation with a friend.” They may not be anything major or crazy, but they’re still good, and that’s what matters. I don’t want to focus on every reason why my day was worse than it could’ve been and instead I’m doing my best to focus more on the blessings I do have and will eventually have in the future.

My intention here was, as I stated, to look back on the things I’ve written and to hopefully correct myself and/or add to what I’ve already said. Reading back on these posts, I tend to cringe mainly from little grammar mistakes I made but also just some of the things I said and how I said them. I could write far more in depth on all of my mistakes as I tend to be highly critical of myself and my writing, but instead of receiving this as something negative, I hope you understand that I’m taking this opportunity to grow in my writing and in my life as a whole, while also sharing with you some things I’ve learned because what’s the point if I keep it all to myself? For those of you who have been reading for a year, I truly am so thankful. I know I’ve occasionally lost my drive to write, but I hope what I have written thus far has been an encouragement to you and has at least helped you a bit in some way, big or small. It’s my hope that I continue to write here, effecting people’s lives in a positive way, while still growing stronger as a writer and a person.